After decades of practicing family law, I’ve sat with many parents who are exhausted, frightened, and heartbroken, not just about the end of their marriage, but about what it might mean for their kids. That fear is real, and it’s valid. But here’s what I’ve also seen: the way you divorce matters just as much, if not more, as the fact that you’re getting divorce.
The research backs this up. Studies show that parental conflict, not divorce itself, is the strongest predictor of poor outcomes in children. The arguments overheard from the next room, the tension at pickup and drop-off, the offhand comment that lands harder than intended. These are what leave lasting scars. The good news is that you have more control over this than you may realize.
If you are a parent navigating divorce, here are seven ways to reduce conflict and give your children the stability they need.
1. Keep Your Children Out of the Middle
Leaving the kids out of the conflict seems like a no brainer. So why is it so much harder in practice? When you are hurting, it’s natural to lean on the people closest to you. The problem is that your children are also the people closest to their other parent.
Research consistently shows that children are especially harmed when they are asked to relay messages between parents, questioned about the other parent’s activities, or sense that loyalty to one parent puts them at risk with the other. The rule I encourage clients to follow is this: if what you’re about to say involves the other parent negatively, it doesn’t belong in a conversation with your child.
2. Commit to Honest, Age-Appropriate Communication
Children fill silence with their imaginations, and their imaginations are often darker than the truth. One of the most protective things you can do is give your children a clear, calm, and honest explanation of what is happening, in language suited to their age.
Child psychologists at the Child Mind Institute recommend that dialogue about divorce be “clear, consistent, and neutral.” Children don’t need every detail, but they do need to know both parents love them and that the divorce is not their fault. They also deserve transparency about what their daily life will look like going forward. Have a plan in place before telling the kids.
3. Prioritize Consistency and Routine
Structure is a powerful anchor you can offer a child during a period of upheaval. Keeping mealtimes, bedtimes, school routines, and weekend rituals as consistent as possible signals to your child that life is still stable, even if the family configuration is changing.
Wherever possible, work with your co-parent to maintain similar rules and rhythms across households. This looks like both parents agreeing on the basics, including bedtime, homework expectations, and screen time. Consistency helps ease a child’s anxiety about all the changes that are taking place around them.
4. Develop a Thoughtful, Detailed Parenting Plan
One of the most effective tools for reducing long-term conflict is a well-crafted parenting plan, a well-written document that spells out how you and your co-parent will handle custody and parenting schedules, holidays, major decisions and more.
Many family law professionals and psychologists agree that the more specific and thorough this document is, the fewer disputes arise down the road. Parents who build this plan themselves, through mediation or collaborative divorce, are far more likely to abide by its terms. A 12-year longitudinal study found that parents who chose mediation were significantly less likely to return to court, and nonresident fathers in mediation groups reported meaningfully higher involvement with their children over time.
5. Manage Your Own Emotional Health
You cannot pour from an empty cup, and your children need you to be present, regulated, and available during this time. Parental emotional health is one of the most significant factors in how children adjust to divorce. When a parent is overwhelmed by depression or anxiety, their capacity for warm, responsive parenting is compromised.
This is not a judgment. Divorce is painful. But relying on a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group rather than your children is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent right now.
6. Choose Cooperation Over Winning
Adversarial divorce litigation is built around the concept of winning. One side prevails; the other does not. From a legal strategy standpoint, that framing may make sense. However, from a parenting standpoint, it can be devastating, both to your children and to the co-parenting relationship you will need to maintain for years, possibly decades, to come.
I have watched parents spend enormous time, money, and emotional energy fighting for an outcome that a judge ultimately imposes on the entire family. The “winner” walks out of the courtroom depleted and bitter. The “loser” is furious and non-compliant. And the children? They have absorbed every bit of it.
Children in cooperative co-parenting arrangements show fewer behavioral problems and maintain closer relationships with both parents. You don’t have to like each other. You do have to work together.
7. Choose a Divorce Process Designed for Families, Not Courtrooms
This is where I want to be direct with you, because I believe it matters deeply. The process you choose to end your marriage is not a neutral decision. It shapes the emotional tone of the entire experience for you, for your spouse, and most importantly, for your children.
Divorce Mediation
Divorce mediation is ideal for couples who have already made the decision to divorce and are ready to work together toward a fair resolution. In mediation, a neutral attorney-mediator facilitates open communication and helps both spouses reach a mutually beneficial agreement in a private, informal setting. Neither party is “represented” by the mediator. You both speak for yourselves.
The result is an agreement you built together, which results in a far greater likelihood of following it. In New York, mediation typically resolves in a fraction of the time and cost of litigation, averaging one-third the cost of a litigated divorce. Children whose parents used mediation showed sustained benefits in academic performance, peer relationships, and emotional adjustment even years after the divorce was finalized.
Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative divorce goes a step further, assembling an entire team of trained professionals, including attorneys, financial specialists, and sometimes mental health professionals, all working toward the same goal: restructuring your family in the least emotionally destructive way possible. This approach is particularly powerful when the issues are more complex, or when both spouses want the support and advocacy of their own attorney while still committing to a cooperative, out-of-court process.
Why Alternative Divorce Resolution Outperforms Litigation
Rather than ending a marriage in a destructive process and creating a void, the mediation and collaborative processes provide an out of court platform to assist couples in redefining parental and financial roles. The result is a well-functioning and stable bi-nuclear family.
The contrast with traditional adversarial litigation could not be more glaring Litigation is governed by rigid court rules and imposed timelines, attorney-driven decisions, and ultimately, outcomes imposed by a judge who has never met your family. Countless billable hours are wasted on unproductive court appearances and conferences, motion practice, needlessly extensive and prolonged financial discovery and more. Agreements borne of exhaustion and financial pressure are less likely to be honored, creating a higher likelihood of future enforcement litigation.
Alternative divorce resolution, whether mediation, collaborative divorce, or attorney-facilitated negotiation, is client-driven. You are an active participant in determining the next chapter of your life. Both parties feel empowered and respected. And the outcomes reflect the real needs of your family, not the limitations of a system.
On average, cases resolved through alternative methods are handled in about a third of the cost of litigation and in one-third the time.
A Final Word
If you are a parent in New York who is considering divorce, I want you to know something: the fact that you are looking for ways to protect your children already tells me something important about who you are as a parent.
You don’t have to choose between advocating for yourself and protecting your kids. The right process gives you both. Whether through mediation, collaborative divorce, or negotiation, there is a path forward that is private, efficient, dignified, and genuinely better for your family.
Our office serves families throughout Suffolk, Nassau and New York County. If you’d like to understand which approach might be right for your situation, we’d welcome a conversation.
Related Resources
Collaborative Divorce on Long Island
Divorce Mediation on Long Island
Collaborative Divorce Resolutions of Long Island (CDRLI)
Child Mind Institute: Protecting Kids During High-Conflict Divorce
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: Managing Conflict During Divorce
About the Author
Kim M. Ciesinski, Esq.
For over 30 years, Kim Ciesinski has focused her legal career exclusively on the area of Divorce and Family Law. She represents clients in all aspects of divorce and family law matters, including custody, parenting time schedules, spousal maintenance, child support, distribution of assets, prenuptial and postnuptial agreements, as well as post-judgment proceedings.
Sadly, the word “divorce” has become synonymous with “destruction.” But Kim believes it doesn’t have to be that way. Ciesinski believes that divorce can and should be a process of restructuring the financial and parental aspects of a family unit through a healthy, positive process. She strives to move clients through this often devastating experience by thinking out of the box and creating realistic long-term goals to make the transition from marriage to divorce less traumatic. To that end, Kim focuses her practice on collaborative divorce, mediation, and negotiated settlement as highly effective alternatives to adversarial litigation. Ciesinski’s goal is to listen, understand, and acknowledge her clients’ needs and desires and help them restructure their families by reaching a fair settlement, with the least possible emotional and financial trauma.
Certified in mediation from the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and highly trained in Collaborative Interdisciplinary Practice from the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals, Kim pursues ongoing advanced training every year. Ms. Ciesinski co-authored a book entitled “Stress-Free Divorce – Volume 3.” She speaks and writes articles on the subject of Collaborative Divorce, and shares her alternative divorce expertise in multiple interviews in the press and on several radio shows.
A strong advocate for families, Ciesinski serves on the Advisory Board for The Center for Children, Families and the Law at Hofstra Law School. A Special Master for the Nassau County Supreme Court, appointed by judges, she assists in resolving highly contentious matrimonial cases before trial. Kim is a member of the Nassau County, Suffolk County New York State Bar Associations, as well as the New York State Association of Collaborative Professionals and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.
Having a passion for social justice, Ciesinski is an active and current board member of The EAC Network. She is a former board member of The American Red Cross Long Island, Girls Inc., and past president and board member of The Junior Welfare League of Huntington. Kim is a graduate and member of the Energeia Partnership at Molloy College, a regional leadership program.
KIM M. CIESINSKI, ESQ., PLLC is an Adjunct Professor at Hofstra University.
